The Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:  

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.  

And now, the honorable mentions:  

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.  

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.  

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.   Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.    He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.  

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.     When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.  

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.   When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.    The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . . $15.  

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.  He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.  

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.  They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."  

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash.  The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.  When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The frustrated gunman walked away.  

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.  A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.  The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!  

Remember . . . They walk among us, they can reproduce, and, they VOTE!!!  

(Authors Unknown)

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Stuart Hamblen, Billy Graham and John Wayne

Stuart Hamblen was a popular singer, songwriter, actor, poet, and radio personality from the 1930s through the 1950s. He was first a hit on radio but appeared in films with Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, and John Wayne and wrote several chart-topping country songs. Some have called him radio's first singing cowboy.

Billy Graham came to Los Angeles in 1949 for what became an historic evangelistic crusade. Graham's appearance on Hamblen's radio show was arranged as part of the publicity for the crusade, not because Hamblen wanted to poke fun at Graham. Although Hamblen was known for his hard living and drinking, he had been reared as the son of a Methodist minister and warmly welcomed Graham as a guest. It was at that interview that Graham extended an invitation to Hamblen to attend the crusade and he accepted.

Hamblen later contacted Graham at his hotel and asked to talk. The result was that he "surrendered his life to Christ." Hamblen became the first publicized conversion from the 1949 crusade and contributed to the decision to extend the event, which lasted for 8 weeks and put Billy Graham on the map.

It was on a street in Hollywood that Hamblen later ran into John Wayne who asked him about the rumor around town that he'd changed his ways. Hamblen told Wayne that it was no secret what God had done for him and that he could do it for Wayne too. Wayne said it sounded like a song and suggested he write one. The result was one of Hamblen's best known tunes; It is No Secret What God Can Do. It was a crossover song that is regarded as the first to have been #1 in the gospel, country, and pop categories. The original manuscript of It is No Secret is buried in the cornerstone of one of the Copyright Buildings of the Library of Congress in Washington D.C.

After his conversion, Hamblen announced that he was going to devote his time to "serving Christ" and he started a new radio program titled The Cowboy Church of the Air which became nationally syndicated. A confrontation developed with his sponsors, however, when he told them that he would refuse to advertise alcohol. His much publicized departure from the program resulted in his being asked to run for President of the United States in 1952 under the banner of the Prohibition Party. He accepted and ran fourth to Republican Dwight Eisenhower who was elected president.

(Truth or Fiction)

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Church Humor 2

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!  

(Authors Unknown)

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The Window from Which We Look

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look!

(Author Unknown)

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Church Humor

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."  

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new gym - fellowship hall building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.  

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

(Authors Unknown)

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Me ... Afraid ... Again

An invitation has been extended to me … to speak at a ladies retreat. My preparation for my “yes” answer began in 1992. For six years I argued with God, saying “no” to His plan …like that would work. Then I joined Toastmasters so when I opened my mouth, words would come out. And then nothing … no invite …no mention of me speaking … for years.  

Now it was finally happening. But each time I thought of the retreat, I felt a clench in my gut … the fear was back. What in the world was wrong with me?  

So I began to pray … specifically … that the gut clenching would stop. I knew that my fear did not glorify God … that a timid voice could in no way demonstrate to my audience that my God was a big God who had done great things in my life.  

On Sunday … as we sang … there were some words that jumped out at me. In the song, Mighty to Save, I heard these words come out of my mouth.  

So take me as You find me,

All my fears and failures,

Fill my life again.  

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in,

Now I surrender.  

With all my fears and failures … He would take me that way … if I let Him.  

Then wouldn’t you know it. The very next song had more words for me. In the song, Hosanna, I felt the impact of the words in my heart.  

Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You.

‘Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day

In Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away.  

I felt better. Less clenching. But still the excitement eluded me.  

Wednesday morning a group of women met at my home for prayer. One of the ladies is a speaker … getting up in front of large groups … smiling and full of great truths. When I voiced my prayer request, I started by saying how ticked I was at myself for the fear. She smiled … and then told of her journey with tears and fear … before she spoke.  

Well, that made me feel better.  

Last night was our small group meeting … 12 people from our church … who shared prayer requests. As I was prayed for, my spirit felt lighter. I could do this. A scripture was read … and once more the words spoke directly to me.  

"Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass."

1 Thessalonians 5:24 (NASB)  

As the meeting continued, my iPhone in my pocket began to vibrate … announcing a phone call. In the car, on the way home, I took my phone out … noticed it was an out-of-town number … and called it. It was the lady in charge of the retreat. As she shared the agenda and plans, I learned this retreat was being held in a large house on the beach … so I would be speaking in a living room setting.  

More relief.  

This has been a journey I did not anticipate. I thought I had already fought … and won … this battle. But as I travel through these days, I am very aware that God is right beside me, holding me up and urging me on.

I’m starting to get excited.  

“Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction." Proverbs 18:20 (NLT)  

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