May 26th
>> Monday, May 29, 2017
I had regarded the approaching month with foreboding. And now it was here, May 1st. I felt a heavy cloud descend on me. Two years
ago this month my beloved had died. When I awoke at 5:00 that morning, I felt
tears hanging on the edge of my consciousness.
Can we just skip May?
The days crawled by…2nd, 3rd, 4th. The hours leading up to the 26th
grew darker. And the time – 11:20 am – loomed large. That was the day and hour
that he drew his last breath…at home…in our bedroom.
I can’t do this every
May for the rest of my life.
Early on the 26th I needed my village, so I
dressed and drove to Starbucks. These wonderful people had been there for us
every day as we faced the inevitable. And then they formed a wall of protection
around me as I grieved, available to help me in any way they could.
I just needed to see their faces.
I did not want to be at home at 11:20. I felt the urge to
drive…my ultimate therapy. So after gaining strength from their love and
camaraderie, I headed to the highway.
Thoughts tumbled in my head as I drove.
Boy, there sure is a
lot of traffic. Oh yeah. It’s the Friday
of a holiday weekend. I better pay attention to my speed. There will be a lot of Highway Patrol on duty
today.
Music has the power to soothe me, so I turned on the radio. The
song Just Be Held came through the speaker. The words “your world’s not falling
apart, it’s just falling into place” turned on the spigot and the tears fell. It
sure didn’t feel like it was falling into place. I turned the radio off. It
wasn’t working this time.
I missed John.
I felt for my necklace, which held John’s wedding ring. That
one moment was forever burned in my brain…removing his wedding ring from his
dead finger. I remember thinking I can’t
do this.
Lots of big sighs filled the car. But I drove on. I began to
talk…out loud…to John and God, probably in that order. I spoke of our wonderful
memories…the fun we had together.
God, I need to figure
out a way to handle future May 26th.
As the miles passed and my thoughts were verbalized, I felt
the cloud lifting. No more sighs. Soon the sign said Ritzville next two exits.
Taco Del Mar and Mexican food were just down the road.
I could make it.
I had taken a notebook with me. As a writer, I never know
when the words may start pouring out. Be prepared is my motto.
I ordered a burrito combo with chips and a drink. The time
stamp on the receipt was 11:14. Only six more minutes and it would be over for
a year.
God, I need ideas to
use next year. Let me have a different perspective. I’m not used to negativity.
As I ate, my pen moved across the page. I wrote these words
I’ve just typed. But then ideas began to form.
When my kids moved out after graduating from high school,
they were leaving for the next chapter in their lives. I did not mark the day
and hour and grieve every year at that time. I was happy for them and their
accomplishments.
So why couldn’t I see
John’s leaving as the same thing?
More thoughts.
This is just the first
in a trifecta. His death May 26th. Our anniversary June 1st.
His birthday July 3rd.
I counted the days from May 1st to July 3rd.
63 days.
What if I wrote up 63
wonderful memories of John and made a calendar. Like a Rolodex. Each day I
could turn over a new and wonderful recollection of him…one that gave me warm
fuzzies. No more dark cloud.
The heaviness was gone. I climbed in the car and headed
home. And, yes, there were patrols everywhere. I didn’t speed. But my heart was light.
My world was falling into place.
“Don’t panic. I’m
with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength.
I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.” Isaiah 41:10
(MSG)
