Death Certificate

There it was…in black and white…my husband’s name, birthdate and many details about his death.  It seemed surreal. But the raised seal representing the state of Washington and a “CERTIFIED” stamp completed the form at the bottom. It was his death certificate.

In my naivety, I had not realized how many businesses would need to see that piece of paper.

I started with phone calls. A few companies took my word for it; removed his name and entered me as the account holder. But at the end of that first day of calling…from 10:00 in the morning to 4:00 in the afternoon, I had a list of places I needed to go to show them the death certificate.

Then there were the ones who said, “We will send you a form. Just have the current account holder fill out the top portion of the page and enter the new account holder at the bottom.” What part of dead did they not understand?

It was unbelievably draining to repeat the words regarding my husband’s death.

Yesterday I headed out…death certificate on the car seat beside me…to convince certain businesses that his name no longer belonged as the account holder. The average length of time at each company was one hour. The initial person I spoke with did not have the authority to do anything, so I was passed up the line.

In my robot-like state, I did it without tears.

The last place was a credit union. After explaining the situation repeatedly, I was taken into a separate room to meet with an officer of the establishment. He made several phone calls. The death certificate lay on the desk in front of him. The final word was that since we had a loan through them, even though my name was also on the loan, his name could not be removed from the account until the loan was paid.

“I’m the one responsible for making the payments. What is the rationale for leaving it in his name?” I received no satisfactory answer.

Tears filled my eyes. Profuse apologies were extended. I climbed in my car and proceeded to suffer a meltdown. It was several hours before I climbed out of that pit and could focus on the promise below.

Praise songs are filling the air as I type these words.

“You did it: You changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song….” Psalm 30:11-12 (MSG)

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He Has No Need for Them

My husband, John’s, wallet and money from his pants pocket now lay on the kitchen counter where he placed them several weeks ago. His special sunglasses that made him feel so cool as he drove his red Cadillac are close by.

He has no need for them.

Our garage was designed to hold two motorcycles, his car and mine. The motorcycles are no more and the car now sits on a car lot…for sale. Even the handicap placard that allowed him to park closer to buildings has joined the unused symbols of a busy life. 

He has no need for them.

The double towel holder that was installed when we built this house now holds a lonely towel. I will never need two. And he is far too weak to take a shower, so his towel has been washed, dried and folded.

He has no need for it.

His clothes and shoes are just as he left them the last time he wore clothes.

He has no need for them.

John is going on a journey without me. Sometimes his eyes see right through me. Occasionally his comments are not directed to me. Yesterday I heard him talking and hurried to the bedroom.

“What did you say?”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

Should I have asked with whom he was conversing? An angel perhaps.

Even though I can’t go on this journey with him, we both know Someone who can. We’ve placed our trust in Him.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;….” Psalm 23:4 (NASB)

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Fear Plugs Addendum

The time for terror had arrived. My intestines let me know they didn’t like this idea. Tears threatened. My heart rate accelerated. And we hadn’t even reached the elevator to take us to the ground floor so we could walk to the beach.

Our friends, Phil and Anita, and my husband, John, were accompanying me on this journey. I knew John understood the depth of my fear. It was difficult to make others realize the battle within me.

Their talk buzzed over my head. My focus was on taking the next step…and the next one.

And then there it was…wave after wave rolling in. I could hear my heart beating in my ears…along with the roar. The tears flowed. I was so tired of this. I stopped walking and stood facing the ocean.

“I need you to pray.”

And so the prayers began and were completed. Yet still I stood…facing my dreaded foe. I was ready to stand there for hours…awaiting the calm. Gradually my heart rate slowed and the tears dried up. I raised my head and stared at the restless movement. No clenching in my gut.

“Ok, we can walk now.”

Any time I have ever been to the beach, my spot in the line of people walking along the water’s edge was the furthest away from the ocean. No logic there. But it gave me a buffer. Yet here I was, walking the closest to the water…and actually carrying on a conversation. My brain was functioning again. When we turned and headed back, I remained on the side next to the water.

No tears.  No pounding heart.  But for me the test would be the next time.

I’m delighted to say I returned to the beach with a smile on my face.  Tears of gratitude…not fear…rolled down my cheeks. The raging tumult within me had been stilled.

“He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves. What a blessing was that stillness…” Psalm 107:29-30 (NLT)

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A Smile Came to Stay

The following blog is written by my husband, John, but he captures the feelings for both of us.

A few years ago we built a new house. One of the important things we wanted was a guest wing where someone in need could come and find refuge for a while. We built that wing and various friends and family slept there, but a few years passed before it could be used for that purpose.

Then one day we had the blessing of a friend who was in need. She didn’t want to be a bother, but needed a place to stay for a few weeks while her condo was being readied.

 

So a smile came to live with us for a while

The smile was a little tarnished and cracked by life and it was small but it remained here with us. The smile spent time with us sitting in the TV room watching the Olympics together. We talked and laughed and the smile began to relax. Days passed. Cookies were made and brownies consumed in amazing quantities. The smile got bigger.

The smile was going through some tough times, but talked little about her emotions. We hurt for her but could only offer our hugs and company. We prayed for her every day that she would find peace and comfort. 

As the days passed we laughed more and more and came to know what a kind and loving person this smile was. She was moving into our hearts as well as our home.

Then came the day when her place was almost ready to move into. My wife and I talked about what a hole it would leave in our hearts when the smile moved out.

Well the day came and the smile was ready to leave but an amazing thing happened. She left but the smile stayed in our hearts.

Now we understood why those years ago as we designed our new house that guest wing was so important to us… you see in both of our lives we had need of a refuge at one time and we could now pay it forward.

And we learned that the smile helped us as much as we helped her.

Thank You smile. We will always love you.

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