Medical Problem ... and Others

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"  

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."  

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"  

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"  

Emptying the Doctor's Waiting Room 

A patient goes to the doctor's office where, much to his surprise the doctor asks him, "Would you please help me with a problem I'm having?"  

“Sure, doctor, what can I do for you?” asks the patient.  

"Would you scream in the most earsplitting, piercing screams you can manage? Try to make it sound as if you're in terrible pain”, the doctor says.  

"But why, doctor. You've always been gentle with me and your treatments have never caused me any pain?"  

"Yes," Says the doctor in a matter-of-fact tone, "but I have a 4 o'clock tee time at the golf course I don't want to miss, and my waiting room is still full of patients."  

Run 

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children. But I am a patient person, so I enjoy their successes.  

However, I must share the following:  

After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work."  

Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.  

So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !  

(Authors Unknown)

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Here I Am ... Again

I am an over-eater. Weight has always been an issue for me. In the 1970’s I lost almost 100 pounds. But if you made a graph of my weight loss … and weight gain … it would look like a road map of hills.  

And here I am … again.  

I’ve made it through the holidays (so far) with a loss of five pounds. But before I pat myself on the back, I’ve been at this weight before … many times. Even if I lose ten more pounds, that’s still just one of those valleys I’ve gone through before the chart goes up again.  

And so … one more time … I determine to get to a deeper valley … one I haven’t been to since the 1990’s.  

Sometimes living a Christian life is just like that.  

A few weeks ago, Chuck Swindoll asked, “Are you spending more time reading the newspaper than you are reading the Bible?” I had to say “yes.” I really enjoy reading the USA Today, so I subscribed … and it came in the mail. Convicted by my “yes” answer, I canceled my subscription.  

I’ve purchased a CD study series on Proverbs from Insight for Living. Proverbs is full of wisdom and practicality. But it will be up to me to make the time in my schedule to sit down and actually listen and study.  

I’ve been here before.  

It seems so simple to just eat less. And some of you reading these words loudly agree. You’ve never struggled with your weight. But I know there are some of you who understand exactly what I’m saying. It’s so much more than just opening your mouth and putting food in.  

It’s the same with growing as a Christian. It isn’t a complicated plan to make time in your day for time in the Bible. But when it comes right down to it, it’s such a struggle to find that quiet time … that place alone … where you can focus and listen and learn.  

I can’t say I hunger (physically) for food. But I do hunger for the Word. I want to ingest it and have it become a part of me. I desire to reach a deeper valley with God. Just as eating requires an opening of my mouth … reading the Word and understanding it requires an opening of my heart and mind.  

And here I am … again.  

“Jesus said, "I am the Bread of Life. The person who aligns with me hungers no more and thirsts no more, ever.” John 6:35 (MSG)

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The Cold Within

Six humans trapped in happenstance

In dark and bitter cold,

Each one possessed a stick of wood,

Or so the story’s told.  

Their dying fire in need of logs

The first woman held hers back,

For of the faces around the fire,

She noticed one was black.  

The next man looking across the way

Saw not one of his church,

And couldn’t bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.  

The third one sat in tattered clothes

He gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use,

To warm the idle rich? 

The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned,

From the lazy, shiftless poor.  

The black man’s face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.  

The last man of this forlorn group

Did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave,

Was how he played the game.  

The logs held tight in death’s still hands

Was proof of human sin,

They didn’t die from the cold without,

They died from the cold within.  

Dear Abby – TCH – 12-18-11

"Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging.” Matthew 7:1-2 (MSG)

  

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Christmas at Rock Away Rest

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock Away Rest,

And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry,

Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.  

A bed sock was taped to each walker, in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.  

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,

Like angels in snowsui8ts and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she’d crafted a holiday wreath.  

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive – the joy wouldn’t stop –

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.  

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,

Lie “Where Are You Living?” and “What Are Your Names?” 

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand’rer was tied to her chair,

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.  

Security lights on the fallen snow,

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter,

(But we are so deaf that it just didn’t matter.) 

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

Twas just our director, all togged out in red.

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.  

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived,

Our social security checks had finally arrived.

We sang – how we sang – in our monotone croak,

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight p.m. stroke. 

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds,

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock Away Rest.

Before long you’ll be with us … We wish you the best!  

(Author Unknown)

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Just Stay

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.  

“Your son is here,” she said to the old man. She had to repeat the words several times before the patient’s eyes opened.  

Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man’s limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.  

The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man’s hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.  

He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital … the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.  

Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night. Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.  

Finally she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.  

“Who was that man?” he asked.  

The nurse was startled. “He was your father,” she answered.  

“No, he wasn’t,” the Marine replied. “I never saw him before in my life.”  

“Then why didn’t you say something when I took you to him?”  

“I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son and his son just wasn’t here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed. I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey. His son was killed in Iraq today and I was sent to inform him. What was this gentleman’s name?”  

The nurse, with tears in her eyes, answered, “Mr. William Grey.”  

(Author Unknown)

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Life Thoughts by Ducky

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. So I said, “Implants?” She hit me.  

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my pants.  

When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just “chunky dunk.”  

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt Delete” and start all over?  

Wouldn’t you know it … brain cells come and brain cells go … but FAT cells live forever.  

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.  

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?  

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I HAD any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!  

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.  

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?  

Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher – and since it’s in English, thank a soldier.”  

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.  

(Author Unknown)

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God Lives Under the Bed

I envy Kevin. My brother, Kevin, thinks God lives under his bed. At least that’s what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom and I stopped to listen.  

“Are you there, God? Where are you? Oh, I see. You’re under the bed….”  

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin’s unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.  

He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he’s 6’ 2”); there are few ways in which he is an adult. He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a seven-year old … and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.  

I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life? He is up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni and cheese for dinner, and then to bed. The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child.  

He does not seem dissatisfied.  

He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work. He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner. He stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day’s laundry chores. And Saturdays – oh, the bliss of Saturdays. That’s the day my dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside.  

“That one’s goin’ to Chi-car-go,” Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.  

His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights. And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips. He doesn’t know what it means to be discontent.  

His life is simple.  

He will never know the entanglements of wealth or power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met and he never worries that one day they may not be. His hands are diligent. Kevin is never as happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He does not leave a job until it is finished.  

When his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure. He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent and sincere.  

He trusts God. Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God – to really be friends with Him – in a way that is difficult for an “educated” person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.  

In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith. It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions.  

God seems like his closest companion.

It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, fear, pride and circumstances – they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God’s care.  

Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence – soaking up the goodness and love of God. And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts – I’ll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed God lived under his bed.  

Kevin won’t be surprised at all.  

(Author Unknown)  

“Don't dare talk pretentiously— not a word of boasting, ever! For God knows what's going on. He takes the measure of everything that happens. The weapons of the strong are smashed to pieces, while the weak are infused with fresh strength. The well-fed are out begging in the streets for crusts, while the hungry are getting second helpings. The barren woman has a houseful of children, while the mother of many is bereft.” 1^st Samuel 2:2-5 (MSG) 

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Our Gang

Only vintage people will remember Spanky and Our Gang! Here are some things I bet a lot of you didn’t know. I certainly didn’t.  

These pictures are great.

Whatever happened to those people?

In case you forgot who is who, well here they are.

Alfalfa

Carl Switzer was shot to death at age 31.

Chubby

300-pound Norman Chaney died at age 22 following an operation.

Buckwheat

William Thomas died at age 49 of a heart attack. (I never knew Buckwheat was a man.)

Darla Hood

The Our Gang leading lady contracted hepatitis and died at the age of 47.

Brisbane

Kendall McCormas, known as Breezy Brisbane, committed suicide at age 64.

Froggy

William Robert Laughline was killed in a motor scooter accident at age 16.

Mickey Daniels

He died of liver disease at 55.

Stymie

Mathew Bear led a life of crime and drugs. He died of a stroke at age 56.

Scotty Beckett

He died at age 38 following a brutal beating.

Wheezer

Robert Hutchins was killed in an airplane accident at age 19.

Pete the Pup

He was poisoned by an unknown assailant.

And Spanky

Robert Blake was accused of murdering his wife. I did not know that was Robert Blake.

(Author Unknown)

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Come Up for Air

As I walked on the elevated track above the swimming pool, I noticed the scenario unfolding below me. A father was apparently trying to teach his young son – three or four years old – to swim. Christopher was the name he was yelling along with his instructions. Holding the buttocks of his son under his armpit … with the body facing downward … he would scream “breathe” and then plunge Chris’s face under water … and hold it there. The young boy’s arms would flail, but he was no match against his father. When dad decided Chris had been underwater long enough, he would twist his face to the air. Chris was crying and begging his dad to stop.  

In the other end of the pool was a lady and a little girl … and the lady was singing Jesus Love Me. I assumed this was the mother and sister of Chris. The lady was totally ignoring the abuse.  

I, however, could not. I yelled at the man to stop. He continued. When he allowed Chris to come up for air, I yelled, “Chris, he has no right to treat you that way … and I care.” I wanted him to know someone noticed … and that the treatment at the hand of his father was not acceptable.  

Long story short: I reported it to the front desk … they called the police … he was arrested … I wrote a written, detailed report … he was banned from the gym.  

I used to feel like Chris at Christmas time. I was bound by the rules and regulations of what it meant to be proper. Decorations needed to look a certain way … and put up by a certain time. Gifts were to be purchased for more than just family … anyone who might have talked to you in the past year was eligible. The wrappings were to look like something out of a magazine. The Christmas cards … elegant and pricey … were to be mailed in time to be received before Christmas … and you got extra points for being the first one. Each one had to be handwritten … with a lovely comment inside. Some blank cards were set aside to take care of those people who sent you a card and you hadn’t sent them one.  

Every time I tried to come up for air, I was plunged back under.  

Christmas no longer has me in its clutches. When I see a gift I think someone might like … even though it is June … I purchase it and give it to them … in June. My decorations have a central theme … the nativity. I add a few more pieces each year. I still send some Christmas cards, but it is no longer a competition.  

Come up for air … breathe … and savor the birth we celebrate.  

“…..but the angel reassured them. “Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David!” Luke 2:10-11 (NLT)

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Computer Geeks

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than that.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES  

(Author Unknown)

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