Life Thoughts by Ducky

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. So I said, “Implants?” She hit me.  

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my pants.  

When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping.” Now I just “chunky dunk.”  

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press “Ctrl Alt Delete” and start all over?  

Wouldn’t you know it … brain cells come and brain cells go … but FAT cells live forever.  

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.  

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?  

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I HAD any loose fitting clothes, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!  

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.  

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?  

Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher – and since it’s in English, thank a soldier.”  

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.  

(Author Unknown)