Me ... Afraid ... Again

An invitation has been extended to me … to speak at a ladies retreat. My preparation for my “yes” answer began in 1992. For six years I argued with God, saying “no” to His plan …like that would work. Then I joined Toastmasters so when I opened my mouth, words would come out. And then nothing … no invite …no mention of me speaking … for years.  

Now it was finally happening. But each time I thought of the retreat, I felt a clench in my gut … the fear was back. What in the world was wrong with me?  

So I began to pray … specifically … that the gut clenching would stop. I knew that my fear did not glorify God … that a timid voice could in no way demonstrate to my audience that my God was a big God who had done great things in my life.  

On Sunday … as we sang … there were some words that jumped out at me. In the song, Mighty to Save, I heard these words come out of my mouth.  

So take me as You find me,

All my fears and failures,

Fill my life again.  

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in,

Now I surrender.  

With all my fears and failures … He would take me that way … if I let Him.  

Then wouldn’t you know it. The very next song had more words for me. In the song, Hosanna, I felt the impact of the words in my heart.  

Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You.

‘Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day

In Your presence all our fears are washed away, washed away.  

I felt better. Less clenching. But still the excitement eluded me.  

Wednesday morning a group of women met at my home for prayer. One of the ladies is a speaker … getting up in front of large groups … smiling and full of great truths. When I voiced my prayer request, I started by saying how ticked I was at myself for the fear. She smiled … and then told of her journey with tears and fear … before she spoke.  

Well, that made me feel better.  

Last night was our small group meeting … 12 people from our church … who shared prayer requests. As I was prayed for, my spirit felt lighter. I could do this. A scripture was read … and once more the words spoke directly to me.  

"Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass."

1 Thessalonians 5:24 (NASB)  

As the meeting continued, my iPhone in my pocket began to vibrate … announcing a phone call. In the car, on the way home, I took my phone out … noticed it was an out-of-town number … and called it. It was the lady in charge of the retreat. As she shared the agenda and plans, I learned this retreat was being held in a large house on the beach … so I would be speaking in a living room setting.  

More relief.  

This has been a journey I did not anticipate. I thought I had already fought … and won … this battle. But as I travel through these days, I am very aware that God is right beside me, holding me up and urging me on.

I’m starting to get excited.  

“Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction." Proverbs 18:20 (NLT)