Children are Quick

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

Glen: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: Class started before I got here.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Dick, how do you spell ‘crocodile’?

Dick: K R O K O D I A L

Teacher: No, that’s wrong.

Dick: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

Donald: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Donald: Yesterday you said it is H to O.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

Winnie: Me!  

(Author Unknown)

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The Folded Napkin

My research tells me this is fiction, but it’s such a nice story I’m posting it anyway. The last sentence is not fiction … but fact.

Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this. The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed separate from the grave clothes.  

Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, 'They have taken the Lord's body out of the tomb, and I don't know where they have put him!'  

Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see.. The other disciple outran Peter and got there first. He stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn't go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had covered Jesus' head was folded up and lying to the side.  

Was that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes!  

In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished.  

Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, 'I'm done'.  

But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because..........  

The folded napkin meant, 'I'm coming back!'  

He is Coming Back!  

(Author Unknown)

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An Appointment in Samarra

As I walked on the treadmill this morning, my pacing feet had trouble keeping up with my ricocheting thoughts. It’s Good Friday … strange name for the day they crucified Jesus … but He knew He was going to die … so do I … but He knew when … I don’t … wonder which is better.  

In the obituaries, almost daily, the newspaper tells me people I know … and some I love … are dying. As I near the age of 70, it’s happening more and more often. We all have the same appointment.  

Sometimes we try to outsmart death.  

On Chuck Swindoll’s podcast this morning, he told a story that triggered my thoughts of death, which I’ll relay as best I remember.  

In ancient days, a man asked his owner’s permission to travel to Baghdad on some errands. While there, the man saw Death standing in the marketplace. Death looked right at him and made some threatening gestures. Terrified, the man returned to his owner and begged permission to travel to Samarra for a time. He explained he had seen Death … been threatened … and wanted to avoid her.  

Permission was granted.  

Later that day, the owner also went to Baghdad … and saw Death in the marketplace. He confronted her about her threatening gestures … and how terrified his slave had been.  

“Oh, those were not threatening gestures. They were expressions of surprise. You see, I have an appointment with him tonight in Samarra.”  

Jesus knew when His appointment was … where it would happen … and how He would die. Yet He did not travel to Samarra to avoid it, but willingly placed His life in the hands of His enemies.  

He did that for me … and you.  

“They nailed him up at nine o'clock in the morning.” Mark 15:25 (MSG)  

“From noon to three, the whole earth was dark. Around mid-afternoon Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" which means, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" Matthew 27:46 (MSG)

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Judas Asparagus

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.  

Then God made the world.  

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.  

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.  

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.  

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.  

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David... He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.  

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.  

After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  

Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.  

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.  

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.  

(Author Unknown)

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Mom's Empty Chair

A woman's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her mother. When the minister arrived, he found the woman lying in bed with her head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside her bed. The minister assumed that the woman had been informed of his visit.  

“I guess you were expecting me”, he said.  

'No, who are you?' said the mother.  

The minister told her his name and then remarked, 'I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up.'  

'Oh yeah, the chair,' said the bedridden woman. 'Would you mind closing the door?'  

Puzzled, the minister shut the door.  

'I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter,' said the woman. 'But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer,' the old woman continued, 'until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me, 'Prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest.  

'Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It's not spooky because he promised, 'I will be with you always'. 'Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now...'  

'So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm careful though. If my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.'  

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old woman to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with her, anointed her with oil, and returned to the church.  

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her mama had died that afternoon.  

‘Did she die in peace?' he asked.  

‘Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, she called me over to her bedside, told me she loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found her. But there was something strange about her death. Apparently, just before Mom died, she leaned over and rested her head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?'  

The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, 'I wish we could all go like that.'  

(Author Unknown)

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