Christmas Will Be Different This Year

The absence of my beloved husband, John, has forever changed Christmas for me. Even though the Christmas season was rather low-key for us, we did enjoy it in various ways. Some years we drove to Boise to spend it with grandchildren. Sometimes we attended a festive Christmas concert. Shopping was never a highlight. Several years ago we determined we would plan a special trip for the two of us as our Christmas present to each other, as neither of us enjoyed shopping.

He was the one who hauled the containers of decorations from the garage. I had to this year. Each year he hung the wreath. I had to this year. I decided to simplify. So I gave away my Christmas village. My decorations are simple, highlighting manger scenes.

That works for me.

The second reason Christmas is different this year is that I just returned from a trip to the Holy Land…the place the Christmas carols sing about. When “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” comes on the radio, I am immediately transported to that city where I walked the streets and purchased a hand carved manger scene made out of olive wood. When the song talks of shepherds keeping watch over their flocks by night, I remember sitting on a rock in the shepherd’s field. “Away in a Manger” has new meaning after seeing the kind of stable and manger it is talking about.

The timing of that trip was a great Christmas present to me. Tears began streaming down my face as I typed those words. I had a sudden realization. Due to some life insurance money, John gave me one last trip.  He went with me in my heart and in my carryon. I took the party favor from his graduation party to the Sea of Galilee and spent 30 minutes there on the shore with him, then placed him in some rocks beneath a tree and left him there.

The Sea of Galilee will never be the same for me.

“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.” Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

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Fear or Fearless Faith

As a child I was taught to fear everything.  If you rode in a car, you might be in a wreck. If you played with the neighbor children, you would go to hell because they were evil. If it stormed, lightening could strike you…so sit in the middle of the bed and don’t touch anything like scissors. And for sure God was out to get you. Before I did anything, I gave it the fear test. Fear won every time.

I lived like that the first 30 years of my life. 

I married, had three children, and then my husband left. I was consumed with fear. Sleep was elusive and my health was deteriorating.  I read my Bible for the first time. It said God was love. That’s not what the scriptures I had been taught said. What did I have to lose? And so I turned to the one major object of my fear…God. Would He really get me?

He didn’t.  He calmed me and helped me sleep at night.

So over the years I worked on overcoming many fears. Heights. Flying. Financial insecurity. Health issues: especially cancer. What people thought of me. I grew confident enough to re-marry. But little did I know that my years of working on my fears were just training for what was to come.

Three years ago my husband, John, was diagnosed with cancer.

During our cancer journey, we experienced no fear. God was right there each step of the way. This past year was the most difficult, as John’s condition worsened. In the midst of our walk through the valley of the shadow of death, our pastor began a yearlong study on “Fearless Faith”. Sunday after Sunday, John and I were affirmed in our faith.

We had peace until he breathed his last.

Within months of his death, I was given the opportunity to go to Israel…a life long dream of mine. Immediately the warnings began from well-meaning people. “You can’t go there. Something might happen to you. It’s dangerous.”

I went…determining ahead of time I would not allow fear to creep in. It was an amazing trip.

As I look back over the last few years, I am so grateful for that fearless faith. So much could have been destroyed with fear in control.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)

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The Essence of John

I couldn’t bring myself to open it, so I laid John’s wallet on my desk. It had lain there for almost five months. Today I grew brave enough. The experience was heartbreaking and sobering.

The brown leather billfold contained the essence of John. 

The first thing I noticed was what he had written on the protection sleeve for his enhanced driver’s license. *John 3:16 & 1150 + 650 = fun. That one took me awhile. Then my light bulb came on. His last two motorcycles were an 1150 and a 650.

He was Christian who rode motorcycles and had fun.

As I continued my perusal, I could feel his presence. This wallet had gone with him everywhere…including numerous hospital rooms. His wallet was left in my protection as he underwent tests, therapies, and surgeries.

His identity was contained in that wallet.

That’s when the sobering thought hit me. These oh so important pieces of paper were no longer relevant. The social security number that had been his since birth no longer counted. He didn’t need a driver’s license or insurance on his car. His extremely long list of medications was of no importance. And he would never use his emergency check.  

You see where I’m going with this?

You can’t carry what truly matters in a wallet (or purse). His love of God and people was not carried in his pocket. In the end, the significant essence of John was what he carried in his heart.

He possessed an enlarged heart…one full of love.

“A good person produces good deeds and words season after season.” Matthew 12:35 (MSG)

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One Step at a Time

As I reached for the t-shirt I planned to wear, memories washed over me. John stood beside me when I purchased this shirt. We were standing in front of the booth…sunny skies…gentle breeze…music seeping into the air from all around us. We deliberated over our choices and decided to not get the same one. That way we could advertise our adventure in two different ways.

I hold the shirt in my hand and think, “How am I supposed to do this…keep going on without him?”

It seems I am slowly erasing him.

His iPad and iPhone lay on the kitchen counter for weeks. On a regular basis I would charge them. Why? And then a friend offered to help me transfer all of his memories from those two devices to his computer.

See?  It’s still his computer.

The building that housed our business is now for sale. I remember how we stretched our faith to buy that land and build on it. We did it together. It’s just one more thing for me to get rid of.

Each day I’m given a choice. Do I wallow in grief and pity? Or do I bravely face the future…without him? As I sit here typing these words, I look to the left where I have a plaque hanging on the wall…one he gave me before he died. Good words. 

I am taking this one step at a time. And when I falter, I have my relationship with Jesus to turn to…and many friends to help hold me up. 

“Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

 Jesus wept.

 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” John 11:34-36 (NIV) – at the death of Lazarus

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Death Certificate

There it was…in black and white…my husband’s name, birthdate and many details about his death.  It seemed surreal. But the raised seal representing the state of Washington and a “CERTIFIED” stamp completed the form at the bottom. It was his death certificate.

In my naivety, I had not realized how many businesses would need to see that piece of paper.

I started with phone calls. A few companies took my word for it; removed his name and entered me as the account holder. But at the end of that first day of calling…from 10:00 in the morning to 4:00 in the afternoon, I had a list of places I needed to go to show them the death certificate.

Then there were the ones who said, “We will send you a form. Just have the current account holder fill out the top portion of the page and enter the new account holder at the bottom.” What part of dead did they not understand?

It was unbelievably draining to repeat the words regarding my husband’s death.

Yesterday I headed out…death certificate on the car seat beside me…to convince certain businesses that his name no longer belonged as the account holder. The average length of time at each company was one hour. The initial person I spoke with did not have the authority to do anything, so I was passed up the line.

In my robot-like state, I did it without tears.

The last place was a credit union. After explaining the situation repeatedly, I was taken into a separate room to meet with an officer of the establishment. He made several phone calls. The death certificate lay on the desk in front of him. The final word was that since we had a loan through them, even though my name was also on the loan, his name could not be removed from the account until the loan was paid.

“I’m the one responsible for making the payments. What is the rationale for leaving it in his name?” I received no satisfactory answer.

Tears filled my eyes. Profuse apologies were extended. I climbed in my car and proceeded to suffer a meltdown. It was several hours before I climbed out of that pit and could focus on the promise below.

Praise songs are filling the air as I type these words.

“You did it: You changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song….” Psalm 30:11-12 (MSG)

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He Has No Need for Them

My husband, John’s, wallet and money from his pants pocket now lay on the kitchen counter where he placed them several weeks ago. His special sunglasses that made him feel so cool as he drove his red Cadillac are close by.

He has no need for them.

Our garage was designed to hold two motorcycles, his car and mine. The motorcycles are no more and the car now sits on a car lot…for sale. Even the handicap placard that allowed him to park closer to buildings has joined the unused symbols of a busy life. 

He has no need for them.

The double towel holder that was installed when we built this house now holds a lonely towel. I will never need two. And he is far too weak to take a shower, so his towel has been washed, dried and folded.

He has no need for it.

His clothes and shoes are just as he left them the last time he wore clothes.

He has no need for them.

John is going on a journey without me. Sometimes his eyes see right through me. Occasionally his comments are not directed to me. Yesterday I heard him talking and hurried to the bedroom.

“What did you say?”

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

Should I have asked with whom he was conversing? An angel perhaps.

Even though I can’t go on this journey with him, we both know Someone who can. We’ve placed our trust in Him.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;….” Psalm 23:4 (NASB)

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