Relinquishment Isn't Easy

My beginning was less than auspicious.  I was my mother’s ninth child; she was 45 years old and my father died within hours of my birth.  My brother, Tony, tells me I was placed in a dresser drawer for use as a bed.  He was seven when I showed up.  He couldn’t understand where his dad had gone and where I came from.  

From that day on, he became my best friend and protector.  

Soon my mother, Tony and I moved to two rooms upstairs in a house.  That is where I grew up.  He took care of me; walked me to school when I started Junior High that was halfway across town.  When I was told to marry while still in high school, he was the one who escorted me down the aisle.  Through my subsequent divorce and many years of single parenting, he was always there. 

And now he is being supported by an air mattress (because of bedsores) in a room in a hospice house many miles away.  And I grieve. 

But there is more than that.  I’ve read about the connection twins have; even though they are a great distance apart.  Tony and I have that.  For 70 years we have been linked.  He would call and ask, “So what’s going on?”  And I would tell him.  Sometimes it was the other way around.  We could share the scene we saw in our mind.  It was always accurate.  

In his weakened state, talking on the phone is no longer an option.  But we are still linked.  Some days are better than others.  

When my daughter, Lorri, and I visited him in a nursing home in November, he spoke of many things.  I heard stories about our dad.  We re-lived many memories we had shared.  I watched him come alive as he listened to music.  His life-long career was spent as a musician, beginning as soloist in the Navy Band.  

We talked about this day…when the end was approaching.  And now it’s here.  

I wasn’t allowed to drive the first 25 years of my life.  He taught me to love it!  When we were there, he mentioned several times he just needed a steering wheel in his hands.  He also expressed a desire to eat a hamburger.  He knew there was a hamburger place just down the street.  Yet when we offered to get him one, he knew he would be unable to eat it. 

I am a calm, peaceful woman.  I would never describe me as restless.  Yet last Saturday I felt like pacing the floor…couldn’t watch tv, read, or even listen to music.  I finally received the message.  I climbed in the car and for the next hour drove and talked to him.  When I returned home, the restlessness had ceased.  

Tuesday it didn’t take me quite as long to understand the communication.  Again, I headed down the highway…this time tears streaming down my face.  I stopped and ordered a hamburger…and ate it for him.  We enjoyed it.  

Go ahead.  Think I’m weird.  I’m just telling it like it is.  

Letting go is difficult.  Yet I don’t pray for him to linger.  Since the death of my husband, John, I view dying differently than most people.  As I sat by John, we talked of heaven.  As a Christian, he was ready.  So is Tony.  It will be a wonderful transition for him.  

And so, I wait…and let go.

Read more...

A Forever Love

After my marriage to John, Valentine’s Day was kind of hit and miss.  Some years he forgot and would rush around to buy flowers or something and breathlessly apologize.  Other years he became quite creative.  One year was a scavenger hunt with little gifts hidden throughout the house, car and yard.  

Five years ago, Valentine’s Day was not mentioned.  He was living his last days in our bedroom.  

Then came the day I removed his wedding ring from his finger, traveled to the jewelry store and purchased a strong necklace that would hold both our wedding rings.  I’ve worn that chain around my neck until today. 

I find it ironic that I have decided today to no longer wear it.  It’s not a decision I take lightly.  But it seems unavoidable.  You see, a few weeks ago I purchased a device that hangs around my neck and will call for help if I push the button.  It also registers if I fall and will notify someone I have selected.  It came with an explanation that placing it in my pocket or purse would not work.  And since I put it around my neck, the rings and device clack and rattle against each other as I move.  I’ve even been wearing two shirts so I could tuck one inside the inner shirt to avoid the noise.  I can’t do that when it warms up. 

Hence, the decision.  

Shortly after his death, I had a ring etched with the words, “Always and Forever” and wear it continuously.  That publicly declares my ongoing love.   I am so grateful for the wonderful years of love we shared.  We literally became one.  I truly don’t need the reminder around my neck.  

He is always and forever in my heart.  

Read more...

Acknowledgement of God's Creations

John and I visited Spokane on a regular basis.  As you come into the city from the west, there is a view of the city below and the mountains in the distance.  We always remarked how beautiful it was.  But in a conversation with one of the residents of that city, we discovered they really never paid any attention to the beauty around them.  Their nose was to the proverbial grindstone.  

So, that became a question we asked often when we visited other beautiful places.  And I’m sorry to say, most people don’t notice God’s creation.  It’s just a familiar part of their drive to work, with their mind elsewhere.  

How sad.  

Here’s where I probably will offend some people.  I grew up in Kansas.  Not beautiful.  I remember clearly the first time I saw mountains.  I wondered why anyone would choose to live in Kansas.  I now understand it’s not always a choice.  You see, when we moved to the TriCities, I kept saying “no” to the move because I thought it was ugly.  Yet I have lived here 33 years.  

And, yes, there is a point to all of this.  

I’m reading a fascinating book entitled “Ghost Boy” by Martin Pistorius.  Until the age of 12 he was a normal boy.  And then his body shut down…everything except his mind.  I can’t even begin to imagine.  Years later, with modern technology, he is able to let us know what that was like.  As I read this morning, his words triggered this blog.  

Can we get so used to being able to walk, talk, see, etc. that we stop noticing?  When we drive our car or ski down a mountain, are we aware of the wonderful gift we’ve been given?  Or do we just accept it as a given?  

Just one more point.  

Those people strapped in a wheelchair or lying in a bed just may be able to hear…to see…what you say and do.  Does our attitude about them show?  Do we find them distasteful?  Do we go out of our way to ignore them?  Physical limitations do not necessarily define them.  Just what if their mind is alive in there?  

I’m not talking about sympathy.  I’m talking about acceptance.  In my life right now, I’m not having to address this.  But I have had to in the past.  I pray my attitude with those I dealt with was one of acknowledgment of their personhood.

“Your eyes have seen my unformed substance: and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.  Psalm 139:16 (NASB)

Read more...

The Art of Losing Weight

Quite the title.  Does that make me the expert?  No.  I can only talk to what works for me.  

I grew up being told to clean my plate to save all those starving children in China.  By sixth grade I weighed 140 pounds.  Early marriage…three children…still cleaning my plate and telling them to.  

Then I faced nine years being single.  That’s when I went through two years of discarding everything I had been taught and picking for myself what I chose to believe.  I decided I wasn’t responsible for those starving children.  My decision affected my children because I stopped eating at night.  I would come home from work, change my clothes and go for a seven-mile walk.  It was their job to cook, eat and clean up before I got home.  

Over two years I lost 100 pounds.  I stopped eating fried foods, using salt and cut back on caffeine.  

Life happened.  I re-married.  He wanted me to eat dinner with him.  It caused such strain in our marriage, we went to counseling.  The skinny counselor said, “So you are so stubborn you won’t sit down and eat dinner with your husband?”  I said, “I will gladly sit down while he eats.”  Counselor: “You can just eat a salad or something.”  Me: “Would you tell an alcoholic to take just one drink?”  

It didn’t go well.  

After 20 pounds of weight gain, I told my husband, “I am not willing to gain weight for you.”  We worked it out.  

Over the last few years, my weight has crept up by 40 pounds.  My focus was elsewhere, such as my husband’s cancer and then his death.  Choosing to eat correctly was at the bottom of the list.  But now I’m back and making better choices.  I’m 20 pounds down to my 40-pound weight loss goal.  

Here is my plan that works for me.  Eat less.  Simple but not easy.  

When I was dating my husband, he would take me out to eat.  I always left a little of everything on my plate.  One day he called me on it.  

“There are reasons for that.  I had to get past the fact I was wasting money.  My health has to be more important.  If I leave a little of each thing, then I can’t ask for seconds.  And when I leave the restaurant, I don’t feel stuffed.”  

There are other ways I work around weight loss.  I rarely go to a potluck or buffet.  I’m a foodaholic.  Can’t take that first bite.  

For 40 years, I’ve tried to not eat after 4:00 pm.  I find it ironic that now that seems to be the latest weight loss craze.  I try to consume food between 8:00 am and 4:00 pm.  A side effect of that choice is a very restful sleep.  My body is not working on digesting food.  I lay down, sleep and get up.  (Just another little tidbit for those who want to sleep through the night.  I don’t partake of liquids after 6:00 pm.)  

I really don’t care for rice or pasta.  But I do like bread and potatoes.  If I deprive myself of them, then my desire for them increases to the point that I overindulge.  So, I work bread and potatoes into my meals each week.  Each day I write down what I have consumed, when I consume it.  That way I can see at a glance if I need protein or maybe some fruit.  Helps keep me on track.  

Friday is my day to eat what I want without guilt.  I’ve used this trick for years.  If I’m wanting a cookie (or two or three) on Tuesday, I tell myself I can have them on Friday.  If I feel I’m depriving me, I rebound and eat everything in sight.  

I really don’t believe in weight-loss programs.  They provide the packaged food; you eat what they say, and you lose the weight.  Then you are on your own, cooking and eating what you buy or fix.  You have not been taught how to eat correctly.  You are right back where you were before you spent all that money.  

I avoid anything with the word “diet” on it.  My consumption of diet food and drink did not result in weight loss.  It had the opposite effect.  I came to the conclusion that the “diet” chemical caused cravings.  Like I say, I’m not the expert. That’s what happened for me.  

Exercise is also a part of the plan.  But I don’t believe you have to expend a lot of money or time to keep healthy.  I am a member of a gym and have been for years.  At first it was very intimidating to be in there with the studs and models.  But I’m going there for my health, so have learned to ignore them.  I spent some time with a trainer, and he gave me exercises I can do at home.  So mostly I walk on the treadmill…five days a week.  And for me, I do it first thing in the day.  If I say I’ll do it later, it never happens.  

All I can say is just be aware of what you are doing to sabotage your weight loss.  It may be so subtle you’ve never realized it.  And expect those friends who help with the sabotage…who offer you cake or donuts.  How badly do you want to lose weight?  You may have to offend someone.  

As people have begun to notice my recent weight loss, they ask “What are you doing to lose weight?”  My reply is usually, “Eating less”.  But that’s not truly helpful.  So, I’ve tried to express some beneficial thoughts in this blog.  

Even if you only change one thing at a time, over the long haul you will see results.  I believe the slower you take it off, the more likely you are to succeed.  The outcome is worth it. 

Read more...