December 3, 2018 - a Significant Date

In May of 2013 my husband and I gave a party to celebrate John’s cancer being in remission.  In front of our friends we exchanged vows and placed new matching wedding rings on our fingers.  We announced we were now ready for our “bonus” round. For two years we traveled, laughed and loved.  

A few days after his death, I entered a jewelry store and inquired about etched wedding bands.  It was suggested I go to Walmart for that. Even though that seemed below my worthy cause, I did.  I purchased a Tungsten band with the words “always and forever” etched around it. Then I slid it on my wedding ring finger.  It seemed a bit crowded there, but it contained the message I wanted.   

Five months after his death, I traveled to Israel.  I had longed to go there, but John had never had that desire.  It was everything I had dreamed it would be.  And I wanted a souvenir to remind me of Israel … and my love for John.  My big purchase was a silver ring with the words “I am my beloved’s” etched in Hebrew. I placed it on my right hand. 

I’ve worn that Israeli ring for three years.  Suddenly, it began to irritate my little finger.  I could feel no rough spots, so tried to ignore it.  It worsened.  

On December 3, 2018, as I sat on a bench in my closet preparing to put on my shoes, I placed my hands in my lap.  And I contemplated.  Was I willing to keep wearing something that could possibly cause a skin issue?  

I removed my Israeli ring. 

As I held it in my hand, I was flooded with memories of who I was with, where I was and how I cried when I put it on my finger in Israel.  Why would it suddenly cause an irritation?  My eyes were drawn to my hands in my lap.  My right hand seemed naked … and my left hand seemed crowded with two rings.  Did I dare remove one?  

More contemplation.  

Without any emotion, I slid my wedding ring from my finger … the one placed there by my beloved.  It seemed this was the next step in my grief journey.  But what to do with it now?  Since his death I have worn John’s wedding ring on a chain around my neck. It seemed appropriate to place my wedding ring on that same chain.  Since my ring was smaller, it nestled nicely within his. Perfect.  I could feel John’s approval.  

My grief journey has been taken with baby steps.  It’s a journey that can’t be forced … and it is different for everyone.  

I’m pleased with my progress. 

 “Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.”John 16:22 (NIV)

Read more...

The End is the Beginning

It happened again this morning.  Another familiar face in the obituaries.  Over the past year, there have been several of my friends and acquaintances listed in that classification.  Before my husband, John, died, I would see those epitaphs and wonder how I would handle it when it was his picture.  

It was hard.  

Some of those names were very familiar to me.  Others I only knew from church, motorcycle club, Starbucks or neighborhood.  But they had all come to an end … of sorts. I believe that death is not the end. Depending on their belief in Jesus, they either had a beginning in heaven … or not.  

I know John is in heaven. He probably has a gold motorcycle. When it thunders, I smile.  I think he’s riding it on the streets of gold. 

There were a lot of obits this morning.  I pondered where their new beginning had occurred.  It breaks my heart to think they missed heaven.  

“Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it’s safe from moth and rust and burglars. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.” Matthew 6:19 (MSG)

Read more...

Alone or Lonely

Since the passing of my husband, I have been surrounded by a strong support group. I knew if I needed anything, all I had to do was ask. That has been such a comfort. But there is one issue I have repeatedly tried to explain. Some get it, and some don’t. 

There is a difference between alone and lonely. 

Alone: having no one else present; on one’s own

Lonely: sad because one has no friends or company; without companions

I am alone.

More than one well-meaning friend has taken me to lunch with an agenda on their mind; find me someone so I won’t be lonely. Match.com has even been suggested. When I explain I’m not lonely, they cannot comprehend I’m telling the truth. Of course, I’m lonely, they say. My husband is gone. 

Even after three years, grief sometimes still hits me out of the blue. A song, a thought or a date can trigger the flowing of tears. But that is temporary. Soon music is playing and I’m singing along. I am not sad. I sleep soundly at night. I look forward to my future. 

I miss my beloved. That is only natural. But that doesn’t mean I want him replaced. 

I’ve asked a few of my matchmakers if they were happy. I receive various answers; we take wonderful trips and he helps fix things around the house. But so far, when asked if they were happy I have not received a yes answer. 

I’ll keep my alone status. And I’m very happy and blessed. 

“The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.” Psalm 30:5 (MSG)

Read more...

My Rearview Mirror

I pulled out of my subdivision and headed west to meet a friend for coffee.  Glancing in my rearview mirror, I watched as a police car pulled out of a side street and lined up behind me. Instantly I was on the alert.  Was I going the correct speed? Where was my driver’s license and registration (it is a fairly new car)? There was a right turn ahead. Be sure and stay in your lane as you turn. 

Another glance. He was still there. I needed to change lanes.  Blinker on. Checked for traffic. Slowly edged over.  He did too.  But he turned left at the next intersection and I kept going straight.

Whew!

As I drove, I thought about my reaction. He wasn’t out to get me. Police officers are there to help…protect…keep the peace. I see several regularly when I meet my friends at Starbucks. They take their break there. If they get in line behind me I smile and buy their drink. I have police officers that attend my church.

They aren’t the bad guys. 

More thinking as I drove. In fact I was thinking so hard about it I missed my turn and ended up parking in a different spot than usual. A blog must be written. 

So here it is.

The first 30 years of my life I lived tense and on the alert because the God I had been told about was following me. He was watching my every move and ready to pounce if I made a slight error. He was always there and I was always questioning my thoughts and behavior.

Then I discovered a different God. 

My God loves me. If I stray into a different lane, He’s there to help. If I send out the wrong signal, He gently corrects me. I don’t have to be tense and afraid. He’s gentle and kind. Yes, he’s always there, but as a wonderful Friend who cares about me.

I’m free to travel without concern about who’s in my rearview mirror. 

 “This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed His life for us.” 1 John 3:16 (MSG) 

Read more...

You're Going to do What?

As the days of John’s life dwindled, we discussed everything. A romantic walk along the river could instantly turn into a discussion about cremation. A meal at the table was sidetracked with his question, “How do you feel about me dying?” 

So I shouldn’t have been surprised. 

Some background. When we built this house, we had a say in everything. John was very specific about his office. It had a large window to enable him to see the fireplace in the living room and the fire pit on the patio. The cupboards, the countertop around two walls, the lighting…he designed it all. 

It was the middle of the night, when suddenly he’s talking. His voice woke me with a question. “What are you going to do with my office?” 

“John, it’s the middle of the night.”

“I’ve been laying here awake for hours wondering. I designed that office for me. So what are you going to do with it?”

“I’m going to paint it pink. Go to sleep.”

“Joy, I’m serious. What do you think you will use it for?”

“I haven’t even thought about it, so give me some time. Now go to sleep.”

“Okay, a few days.”

A few days later I told him I would turn his office into my financial office, paying the bills, etc. I would also use it for my Bible study room.

He was satisfied. 

Last week I got serious about making his office my own. That was a huge endeavor. Some of his stuff was permanently removed. Other materials were moved to the garage. An under-the-counter file cabinet had been purchased. I now could file the current year in the built-in drawer and use the under-the-counter one for the previous year (Income tax time was upon me). Hanging folders and 1/3 cut files were purchased and marked. Then came the filing that hadn’t really been done for an unspecified time.

Side note: the bottom drawer of the new file cabinet kept sliding open. I would shut it and a few hours later as I passed by the doorway I could see the drawer had come open again.

“John, stop messing with me. I’m doing what I said.”

I completed the renovation two days ago. The file cabinet has stayed closed. But I digress. 

In talking with my daughter one day, she asked, “So what are you going to do to have some pink in your office? You told him you would.” 

I instantly thought of a pink cube that I have no idea what to call it, but one of his motorcycle buddies designed it and had given it to him. It’s similar to a Rubik cube, but just has various protrusions and holes. And I knew right where it was.

It now graces a shelf in my office as a reminder of that middle of night conversation.

Read more...

Wonder

The pastor on the podcast I listened to this morning told the story of his grandmother who lived to be 100. As he talked of the changes in her life from birth to 100, it triggered a memory of my mother. She was six years old when the Wright brothers took their momentous flight. And at the age of 72, she was told men had landed on the moon. (She never believed it….said it was staged).

I thought of the changes in my lifetime.

One year before I was born, Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. The communication systems used back then are considered archaic in our eyes today. One method was carrier pigeons. Now we have instant communication using the Internet. We know how to make powerful rockets that send cameras far into the galaxies giving unbelievable pictures of what the universe looks like. Yesterday a Tesla car atop a rocket was sent hurtling into space. It’s now cruising around planets.

Those are impressive changes and generate wonder in our minds.

Currently my Life Group is studying a book about heaven. Need I say more? We live in a disposable world. Things break. People hate. If we choose, we can see ugliness all around. But heaven…. such a different story. The wonder of heaven is impossible to comprehend. Those fabulous pictures of our universe give us a tiny glimpse of the glory to come.

“What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived – the things God has prepared for those who love Him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9 (NIV)

Read more...