First Mammogram (sorry guys)

>> Friday, January 7, 2011

The first mammogram is the worst … especially when the machine catches on fire.

That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister – right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are, perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she ran past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine is on fire. I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, the machine is on fire, are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition. "This is ridiculous. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?”

Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.  (Author Unknown)

7 comments:

Lisa Mikitarian January 7, 2011 at 9:38 AM  

Your opening line--WHAT A HOOK!

I laughed and held my breast all the way through this. I'm so sorry for your experience--but your writing of it--now THAT was FUNNY.

Joy Bach January 7, 2011 at 9:52 AM  

I wish it was my writing. Came to me in an email. I found it hilarious. Guess I need to put a disclaimer.

Joanne Sher January 7, 2011 at 11:36 AM  

Tooooo funny! (and yeah - put down somewhere in the post that it's not your story :D)

Anonymous,  January 8, 2011 at 6:42 PM  

I wouldn't know what to say that could possibly top this story!

Mari January 8, 2011 at 9:05 PM  

You piqued my interest with your email question earlier so when I got home I had to make sure to read your blog post. :)

Laury January 11, 2011 at 4:51 PM  

Oh man! You had me laughing out loud:) Funny funny stuff:)

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