Only a Man Would Attempt This

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15^th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.  

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing. I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.  

So I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries. Right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie, but then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose … directions in one hand and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.  

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5” long, less than ¾ inch in circumference; pretty cute really. I’m thinking no possible way. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.  

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, don’t do it. I reasoned that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and ……. 

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION … WHAT THE HECK?  

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, body slammed us both on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire. My left arm was tucked under my body in the oddest position and I had tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  

Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a taser, there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure as time was a relative thing at that point) I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about eight feet from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!  

(Author Unknown)