Mensa Alternate Meanings

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 
And the winners are:
1. Coffee,  n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

6. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

7. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

8. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

9. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

10. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

11. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.